Are You Ready for Some Football?

I'm feeling a bit more connected with my daughter lately. Why, just two days ago I proudly told Jenn that, and I quote, er, myself: "Zinnia is running neck and neck with the cats." (Unquote, exclamation mark!)

Damning with faint praise, you say? If you knew how close I was with our kitties, you would know this was a high compliment. Pictured below the two sisters--fuzzy daughter and fuzzless daughter--sharing a special moment.

Duma (left) has taught herself a new trick. When the baby starts to wail and cry, she gets up on her hind legs, digs her claws lightly into Jenn's or my leg and gives us a quick, painless bite. The first time she did this, I thought, Oh, that's sweet. She's feeling protective. Jenn figured it out the next day after the cat did it to her and then made for the front door, as if to say, this really is too much. I'm only feline after all.

I used to believe that cats were aloof, so much so that to have one was akin to having a house plant. They were there, kind of nice to look at, but no real emotional relationship. I first discovered this wasn't the case when a woman who lived across the street from me came home one day to a small circle of people standing in the street. Her cat had been run over by a car. She sunk to her knees and wailed as if she had been stabbed in the heart.

Oh, I thought, people are actually attached to these things.

Now, I'll own that what I'm about to say is a crappy comparison, but here it is: The way I used to view babies has always been in the same ballpark--lets say the same state--that I used to view cats. I never held any interest in getting to know them or even being around one. I found babies to be lacking in personality or any ability to amuse.

To date, my opinion has not radically shifted ... but shifted it has. Zinnia becomes more human by the day. Why, just last night, to my amazement, Baby Z. was able to hold her head up ON HER OWN!!!!!!!!!! (Woo-hoo! Pop the champagne.) Her noggin was wobbly to be sure, but for a baby who a mere two weeks ago had so little neck strength that her head would flop forward or back as if the string attached to her skull had suddenly been severed, this was big stuff.

Jenn's mother, Margaret, is in town until this evening, when she will return to Oregon to haunt the hallways of the school where she serves as a school nurse. She is a God-send and believes Zinnia is the greatest thing since french toast. I have noticed that babies are--in psychological parlance--wonderful targets for our projections.

"Oh look how happy she is to see her papa," Margaret has observed on several occasions when, as far as I could tell, Zinnia's expression had not changed discernibly.

"I love how curious she is," Jenn will say when Z's eyes shift to the string of white lights hanging over the sliding patio door.

"Oh, look," I say as our daughter's brow furrows in consternation. "Zinnia is contemplating how to solve the global warming catastrophe while simultaneously feeling her disgust at the budget impasse in Washington."

In reality, she's probably pooping which--lets face it--is a completely reasonable response to Republican shenanigans and Tea Party imbecilism.

Last night, Z. and I played another round of, When-Papa-Picks-Me-Up-I'm-going-To-Scream-My-Lungs-Out-Until-He-Passes-Me-Back-To-Mama. (I would explain the rules, but you probably get the gist.)

Jenn came into the bedroom looking a little frantic as the baby continued to wail. "I'm going to take a shower," she said stripping down. "If you want to pass Zinnia to me, I can take in her in and give her a quick bath." (Translation: My daughter is crying, and I need to protect her." Mama Bear.)

"Thanks. We're good," I said. (Translation: No fucking way I'm handing this kid over until she calms down.)

Zinnia continued to cry as if she had never experienced anything quite this unjust and hoped to Dear God she never would again. Jenn continued her quest to drain our hot water tank in the hope that I would get the hint and pass her our little seahorse. (Translation: Please bring me our daughter so I can soothe her.)

I paced around the bedroom and spoke gently to Z., telling her how much I loved her and how she could cry as long as she needed to. (Translation: No fucking way I'm handing this kid over until she calms down.) I held Zinnia a little tighter and continued my attempts to succor. Eventually, our baby's cries began to ebb, and a minute later the water to the shower squeaked off. I gratefully turned her back over to her mother.

In Zinnia's calmer moments, we have another game we play. It's called "Baby-zilla." I lie on my back, grab her under her arms, lift her up, and then lower her feet to my belly while making a sound as if she's stomping New York City into dust. "Bchhhhhh!" she thunders. "I want milk!" Sometimes for effect, Z. will indulge her papa by rolling her eyes back in her head in her best zombie baby imitation

Yesterday, Jenn and I took a flash drive to Wal-Mart to print a few hundred photos for our aged, computer-impaired relatives (i.e. my mother and aunt, and Jenn's grandmaother). As we stared at the photo machine, each image would pop up, and we would decide whether it was a keeper or not.

"Oh, look," I said with more sarcasm than the event necessitated. "Here's one of Zinnia sleeping. And here's another one of Zinnia sleeping. Hey, what's this? Is she ... ?"

To Jenn's loving mother's eyes, each photo is a gorgeous masterpieces, and she couldn't fathom deleting even the blurriest of baby photos. I love this about her.

It is a Bender Family tradition (inspired by Austin Powers) to work with the photographer by "giving him/her the tiger." Here's the happy family in the requisite pose.

It is now 4:00 am, and Jenn and baby are asleep in the next room. I am restless and exhausted, but feel dogged in my research as to the level of sleep-deprivation a therapist can attain and still be affective. The Packers open the NFL season tomorrow against the Saints, and yes, I am aware it is unlikely that a single reader scanning this blog cares about this fact besides me. While every other aspect of my life is in a complete state of flux, I remain determined to maintain a semblance of normalcy. It's all sandcastles and mirrors, of course, a futile attempt to hold onto the ballast of what was even as the shapeless Phoenix of the new rises from the smoldering heap of my previous life.

Go Pack!

(Above, the author prepares for the upcoming NFL season by posing with his
daughter in what is commonly known as the "football hold.")

Cuddle Envy

Two nights ago, I briefly contemplated deep-sixing this blog for the sole reason that I felt ashamed and completely confused by my emotional state. I had returned home from work, had some food, checked the mail, pet the cats, and then took Zinnia from Jenn to give my wife a well-deserved break from a long day of mothering. I held our daughter, and for a moment thought all was well, and all was well ... until Zinnia realized I wasn't her mother. Her face broke into a startled expression, as if to say, "Wait, you're not-- What the...?" She began to squirm, then added a few half-hearted grunts, and before starting to writhe and kick. Within seconds she broke into a skull rattling wail.

I walked around with her for a bit (in Victorian terms, we took a few turns around the living room) while I hummed and chattered away. I even tried singing:

"Oh Zinnia, you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away oh Zinnia..."

Her cries increased in volume and pitch.  I smiled at her in what I thought approximated a loving, parental beam, but little Z. was not fooled. Jenn, who was busy pumping breast milk in the bedroom, and had spent the entire day with the baby, shot me a glance from the glider. It was more of a frustrated plea: Please find a way to help her shift her energy.

I kissed our daughter on the forehead and made "shhhhhhhh'ing" sounds, which often have a calming effect on her (theoretically because it emulates the sound of the placenta). Zinnia wails became more frantic, and there was true panic in her eyes. I gave up on the idea of calming her and merely hoped Zinnia would tire herself out from the sheer force of energy she was expelling. Nope. She redoubled the intensity of her cries, and then, just when I thought she couldn't possibly get any louder, she did. Zinnia was choking on her sobs and started to gasp for air.

At last, unable to restrain herself, Jenn sprung from her seat with a mother's urgency and took our daughter in her arms. She did so without any sign of resentment, although perhaps some frustration. I gladly turned her over.

No doubt many parents can relate to some version of this story, but for me--the ardent baby-avoider--I felt as if I have landed in hell.  Even worse, while I paced back-and-forth with my daughter as she grew more and more agitated, I felt ... almost nothing.  I knew she was beyond the point of me comforting her, and I felt irrationally resentful at the way she looked at me as if I were inserting bamboo slivers under her nails. Too, I felt resentful toward Jenn for handing me the baby in the first place, and just so I didn't leave anybody out, I felt kicked myself for not having the balls to say "No" when Jenn informed me four years ago that she wanted to have a child. What the hell had I been thinking?

While Zinnia's "fussiness" (a euphemism for, "Our-baby's-wailing-for-fucking-hours-and-we-don't- know-why") continued into the night, I reflected on all of the opportunities I would miss because we had been invaded by this ... this irrational crying thing. My mood darkened further as I lamented the fact that I would now never have the time to write, never travel the planet in the unfettered way to which I had grown accustomed, never again have a good night's sleep or, for lack of sleep, enjoy the small pleasures in life, like middle of the night "30 Rock" episodes. Worst of all, I would never have a peaceful, quiet home again. Ever.

As the evening progressed, Jenn, in her desire to promote father-daughter bonding (as well as her own personal cleanliness) asked, somewhat unreasonably I felt,  if I would hold the baby so she could (insert eye roll here) go to the bathroom. I gave it a shot, but with the same result--Zinnia wailing for relief. While Jenn peed and showered, I stood in front of the mirror shushing and rocking our baby who, by her screams, was being nipped at by a pack of wild coyotes. I took in my own bleary-eyed reflection and said just loud enough to hear above my daughter's aching cries: I hate this.

I wandered into the dimly lit living room with zero actual hope to soothe, but more to find a way to pass the time until Jenn to finish up in the bathroom. Finally, the door opened with a cloud of steam, and she emerged, a towel wrapped around her middle. It is not much of an exaggeration to say that if I could have safely slingshot Zinnia to her mother to expedite the transfer, I would have.

Now safely in Jenn's arms, the sun once again rose in Zinnia's heart, and she responded as if she had reached a state of pristine, inner serenity. Me myself, I felt restless, upset, and pissed.

"Are you okay?" asked the woman who had carried our child for 10 months and was spending all of her waking (and non-waking) hours with her.

"No," I said. "Far from it. I can't stand this, and I feel no connection to her," I said indicating Zinnia. I added a little a dagger: "At all."

I have heard storied about husbands who become jealous when all the attention that had once been showered upon them was transferred to their newborn children. This is not that. I am fine with Jenn and Zinnia bonding deeply, and I love the idea of supporting my family, keeping the house clean (or at least a semblance thereof), and generally doing all I can to make their lives comfortable and happy. But it's clear to me that, except under very specific circumstance (i.e. when our daughter is both hungry and tired and conks out in my lap as soon as she is done feeding), Zinnia only wants me to hold her for short periods of time. The heartbreaking truth is, she can probably feel my energetic response to her, and given the choice between a loving, openhearted mother and a tentative, ambiguous papa, our little girl--sensitive soul that she is-- knows which side of the boob her toast is buttered.

If this were a fifties, I would hold a bouncing baby Zinnia for  a couple of minutes a day, and Jenn would be with her the rest of the time, Zinnia strapped perpetually to her hip. I'd go to work each day, put in long hours, talk to my clients about the importance of compassion and forgiveness, of surrendering to the moment and learning better ways of communicating, and then return home to eat, write, do paperwork, exercise, and take in Zinnia from afar while Jenn tried to hold her while doing five things. At the end of the night, I would give our child a perfunctory, fifties sitcom forehead kiss and hit the hay in the spare bedroom. I would wake up in the morning refreshed and ready for another day. 

In 2011, however, the bedroom was tense, and Jenn and I had little to say. She was (and is) struggling with her milk not fully coming in, and I've been struggling with a little thing I like to call, "I-Loathe-This-Crying-Baby-itis." Needless to say, we went to sleep feeling on edge.

It's tempting, very tempting to sugarcoat things at this juncture, to paint my own parenting skills in a slightly kinder light; to share with the reader my own lack of nurtuarnce while a wee-child, and how given my role models, I make Robert Young in "Father Knows Best" seem like a piker. But lets not.
 Last night, the Family Bender had another rough go. Jenn thinks I'm being paranoid (possible) or taking too much personally (very possible), but while she (and visualize a big eye roll here) ate some food and brushed her teeth, Zinnia again grew a little ... fussy (i.e. Wailed really fucking loudly). However, as soon your humble author exited the room, baby Z. quieted down as if to say, "Aaaaaah, life is good again." Put more benignly, our daughter generally calms when I hand her back to mama.

This makes sense, I've been told, given her age and the need to ...

Yada, yada, yada. It's still difficult not to have the Rejection Button pressed. We had some friends over today. The female half of the couple held Zinnia as they strolled around the house together like they were lifelong pals (which they are, in a way. The woman was our photographer the night Zinnia was born). Little Z. chirped and cooed the entire time.

Yes, its true. I am not ashamed to admit (okay, maybe a little ashamed to admit): I have cuddle envy. Even today, Jenn and I could probably drive over to Central and find some strung out crack ho to hold our daughter, and Zinnia would likely respond less adversely than she does each time I pick her up.

I decided to run my dilemma past a panel of seasoned experts--my men's group, a Sanhedrin of masculine wisdom. Before Zinnia was born, I was attending the group on a weekly basis, but this was the first time I had been in attendance since her birth. I told them I was baffled by my reaction to being a dad and my visceral "Must-put-my-daughter-up-for-adoption" response to her wails. I described how I would hold my daughter until she would go into a full, body-shuddering cry, which is when I would gratefully hand her back to her mother. I told them that Jenn was stressing out at having to do all the baby holding duties, and more importantly, I was feeling completely disconnected to my own daughter. 

I received several bits of wisdom from the men in circle:

--That in the wild, when papa bears hear the wail of the cubs, they are programmed to want to kill them (an urge to which I am sorry to say I kinda relate). In nature, it is the mother's job to protect. Jenn has no choice--she is physically and psychically compelled to act when she hears the baby cry. One of the men suggested that what I needed to consider creating some alone time with Zinnia, even if it meant she wails hysterically for a solid hour. To do this, Jenn would needs not be in the vicinity so she could resist the urge to swoop in and protect.

--That Zinnia and I would work things out, but for the time being I was taking care of the business--cleaning house, making money, paying bills, etc--and this was enough. The falling in love stage would happen soon enough.

--That the first three months of fatherhood sucked, but then it gets better and better. Oddly enough, this helped quite a bit, although when I shared this bit of wisdom with Jenn, she looked less than  pleased. 

I went home feeling strengthened and determined. The next day after work, I took the Zinnia from Jenn, and the baby immediately went into her puzzled-squirm-fuss-lower lip curl-cry-full scale wail routine. As I walked about with her in the living room, I felt less reactive than normal, and was able to hold and rock her even as she tried to push and kick away. Her cries got louder.

Jenn approached. "Do you want me to--"

"No, I got her."

I headed for the bedroom with Zinnia now in full-scale wail mode. I held her closer and told her it was okay, to let it out, that I was so happy she had joined us, that she could cry as long as she needed.

Jenn the mama bear poked her head in looking a little rattled. Must protect baby. "I can take her now if you want."

"No," I said, calmly. "We need to work this out. If it's difficult for you we can close the door."

Jenn smiled, getting it, and left. I closed the door as Zinnia continued her tryout for the Santa Fe Opera.

"That's it," I assured her, "let it out." I breathed into my heart and sent some love to her.


Ever so slowly, her wail became a sob, which became a cry, which became sputtering gasps for breaths, which slowed down to a quite sniffle.  She looked up at me through her tears with unfathomable innocence and pain and vulnerability. 

"Hey, hey, baby. I'm so glad your here."

Poop-Pee-Eat-Belch-Cuddle-Sleep-Cry

I write to you from a local, cafe, and as it so happens, while I work on one of the swells of an endless ocean of paperwork, the place has been invaded by several mothers with small, crying children in tow.

I have a different relationships with wailing toddlers now. My first thought after the onslaught was: Damn.  My next thought was, Oh, this doesn't bother me as much as it used to. My third thought, as i watched a wide-eyed little girl half-toddling, half-falling across the room was, That is so fucking cute.  My fourth thought was this: I can't wait for Zinnia to get to a slightly more interactive age.

To be honest, I find babies on the boring side, newborns more than most. By way of explanation, as well as offering a helpful parenting tip, my brother put it this way: "Their needs are pretty basic at this age." Right. Eat-sleep-poop-belch-cry-repeat. Put Zinnia in a Packer jersey and prop her up in front of a large screen TV on football Sunday, and that pretty much describes a third of American males over the age of 30.   

If I were to should myself in this moment, I would say, I should look on this time as one of the most special periods of my life; that someday I will reflect back on 2011 and long for the innocence of what it was like when Zinnia was a tiny newborn, as opposed to, say, thirteen years hence when she's a hormonally-fueled teenager with the temper of a honey badger and an eye roll that can drop a parent at fifty yards.

The night my daughter was born, within the very hour of her birth, as matter of fact, I had a great pang of fear, a death throe of doubt that led me to agonize over my decision to become a dad at this late stage in life.  I slept (to use a term from English literature) "fitfully" for three hours, while waking to the periodic wailings of a complete stranger in our bed.  Oh, my God, I said to myself, what have I gotten myself into?

I awoke a little after dawn to a shower of sunlight, fed the cats and birds, watered the garden, and made a phone call or two. When I was done, I tiptoed into the bedroom and leaned over the bed.  Jenn was fast asleep and with new baby Zinnia curled up under her chin.

In that moment, I felt my heart crack open a little, and it has been cracking open and shut ever since. 

Yesterday, my daughter and I had one of those moments. Jenn handed her to me ("Here--feed this"), and just like that, Zinnia was in my arms. She looked up at me as if trying to decide whether to cry or not before letting out a couple of halfhearted whoops and settling into my arms. She sucked on the bottle with her eyes shut and gently fell asleep. Periodically I tried to remove the nipple from her mouth, which set her lips to moving like a Plecostomus sucking algae from an aquarium wall. When Zinnia coughed the bottle, I plucked it from her mouth without her waking, and she melted into my lap.

There we were.

Jenn entered the room, stood over us and beamed. She lives for these moments and, frankly, so do I.
I have been open with Jenn about my struggles with new parenthood. To her credit, she has not panicked or gotten angry. She knows how big my heart is and understands that beneath my meanderings about whether Zinnia might stay her current size for the rest of her life (thus becoming the worlds tiniest Buddhist nun) or grow into a giantess by the age of 12 (and earning us millions of dollars on the talk show circuit), I do love her, deeply, and my love will only continue to grow, as will my connection to her.

For the time being, however--poop-pee-eat-belch-cuddle-sleep-cry.  

Unnatural Father

It is I, the new papa, writing to you from the brave new world of parenthood. Hello.

To all this talk of parenthood being exhausting and consuming, I say Pshaw! All one needs to feel rested is a baby with an uncommon calm and pleasant disposition, a wife who is willing to do the lion's share of middle-of-the-night baby duty, and a doting grandmother who will be with us for another five days. 

Having said that, yes, I am still exhausted.

As a therapist, it is my job to remain dispassionate and objective in the face of drama, so you can trust me when I say that little Zinnia Rain is an infant with exceptional intelligence, charm, and wit. She's also a gal who knows how to ask for what she wants.  She cries when she's hungry, cries when her diaper is brimming, cries when her inexperienced papa is holding her in a stiff, "I-Hope-I'm-Doing-This-Right" sort of way, and cries when she's tired.

One friend, a computer scientist and a new father himself, said not so long ago: "It (crying) strikes me as an inefficient way of communicating." I disagree. As soon as Zinnia starts to stick her tongue out and smack her lips in rooting behavior, I lunge for the hot water pitcher so we can warm up her formula before she goes into full-bore, crisis-mode wailing. Actually, Zinnia's fine. I'm the one who goes into crisis mode.

Both Jenn and her mother are able to sling our baby about like a small sack of potatoes without disturbing her serenity. Often, however, when they hand her to me ("Hey fellah, take this little human, willya?") or I pick her up like a rare piece of China, within minutes, Zinnia starts to shift. Then she begins to squirm. Next, she raises her hand to her mouth in a kind of self-comforting gesture. Her squirming becomes more pronounced until she starts to kick her legs like a professional wrestler practicing a flying biel kick. At last, her eyes close, her lip curls, and she starts to wail. 

Recently, I received an email from a friend--a father of two. He has been keeping up with my blog and noted with some amusement that it cracked him up how little I know about parenting. I see his point. Zinnia Rain is 9 1/2 days old today, and though it should come as no surprise, I am amazed at how little I know about babies. The reality is, I have never been terribly interested in infants and never held a newborn prior to Zinnia entering my life. In the past, when I have been around new parent/friends, rather than showering praise upon the little infant, my internal response has been more along the lines of, "Yep, looks like a baby." Since Zinnia's birth, this still holds pretty close to the truth.

A friend asked me recently with an expectant smile on her face, "Can you even remember what your life was like before she was born?" I understand this is not politically correct to say, but after a lifetime of baby disinterest, the faucet of newborn infatuation has not turned into a gusher simply because it is my baby I am looking at. I studied my friend for a moment before saying, "Let me get back to you on that one."

I've been told by many that I will fall instantly in love with Zinnia and want to stare at her for hours. This is partially true. I love her, deeply, calmly, and do love looking at her, but I also enjoy looking away, towards a book, towards a cat, towards the hummingbirds buzzing around the feeder out front, toward my clients, towards Jenn's beauty and her sudden shift into a mature, confident womanhood. My interest in the outside world has not diminished with the advent of my daughter.

I have been told that Zinnia looks like me. I think she's a combination of Jenn and her youngest brother. Here's a picture:

Really, it doesn't matter whom she resembles. I don't need my child to look like me in order to fulfill some unresolved bit of narcissistic longing. The reality is, day-by-day, she has gone from being a newborn baby blob to a breathtakingly cute, newborn baby blob. She eats, poops/pees, sleeps, and cuddles. That's it, that's her life right now, which means that's our life right now.

And this might sound odd, and I'm sure I'm the only one out there that feels this way, but I've noticed I'm not crazy about the crying thing. I have always been sensitive to sound, and Zinnia's wails effect my spine like a jackhammer. I understand this is by design, but I am only now starting to get to the point where I don't wince when she expresses herself in full-lunged indignation at not having her hunger slaked within ten seconds of becoming aware of it.

However, as Jenn, Margaret (Zinnia's grandmother), and Zinnia's father (i.e. your humble tour guide) have noticed, for the most part my daughter is an exceptionally calm and happy baby. Her joy is contagious. I have witnessed the effect seeing her has on the feminine world. When Zinnia is out and about for a stroll, women's faces take on a dreamy "Oooooo..." expression, as if seeing a newborn hearkens them back to a time that once was, or one they hope shall be again. 

Jenn's mom, who has produced six progeny, tells me she thinks I'm "a natural born father." She is being kind. I believe all four of us--Jenn, her mother, Zinnia, and myself can all see that Tom is anything but a natural at this parenting business. Indeed, I have spent the past week trying to find my fatherly footing and consider it a minor victory when I hold our child without her bursting into a wail.

Having said that, there have been some spectacular moments. We set up the birthing pool in our living room shortly after Jenn's contractions started, thinking we would have some time before she went into full-blown labor. So much for the best laid plans. Jenn's contractions kicked-in fast and furious.  Here's the pool.

It's a sturdy kiddie inflatable made in China and illustrated by a crack team of domestic marine biologists. We had heard a number of nightmare stories about birthing pools. One woman said her's sprung a leak in the middle of the event, and the laboring mother tried not to fret about the steady stream of bubbles worked their way to the pool's surface. Another friend stated that only after she went into labor did her husband start to frantically blow-up the pool with a hand pump. To be on the safe side, Jenn and I borrowed an air pump from our friends and blew up the pool some 2-3 weeks before Jenn went into labor. It held the air fine.

One of the best things we got from our "Ecstatic Birthing" class was that Jenn should trust her body. It would know when to contract and when to push; it would know when it was time rest and when to give birth. In the movies, there is often some tight-jawed, courageous nurse coaching the mother to "bear down" and "push!" But Jenn's pushing was not so much her own decision but her body's, as if a great hand were squeezing her womb like a cake decorator handling a tube of frosting. Jenn entered into full-blown contractions and 4:30 p.m. and was in labor until Zinnia's birth at 1:00 a.m. During that time, her body was not her own. The contractions came in ever quickening waves, and toward the end, when it was time to push, this too was primal and involuntary. 

Jenn alternated between two different stations for most of the night. She was either sitting on the toilet--a comfortable and supportive throne--or in the pool on hands and knees, hanging over the side in the throes of her contractions.

The woman in the background of the above photo is our midwife. The one in the foreground is her assistant. We tried to time the move from bathroom and pool  in-between the contractions, but were not always successfully. As the night progressed, Jenn's water had still not burst, and she was wearing out. One of the midwives punctured her bag of water and things moved along quickly, but not quite fast enough. Jenn strained mightily in the pool, but the labor did not seem to be advancing as fast as we would like. 

Moving back to the bathroom was an option, but did not seem like a fruitful one. Our midwife suggested that Jenn lie on her back on the bed and hike her knees to her chest to simulate a squat. For the first time that night, Jenn laughed at what seemed like a daunting (if not impossible) task.

"We'll help you," said the midwife, looking at me.

We assisted Jenn over to the bed. She first hung over the side to see if she could maintain her own squat, but this was a no go. Jenn climbed up on the mattress just as another contraction kicked in. I grabbed one of her legs, the midwife the other, and we pulled her knees toward her chest. She groaned. More contractions, more Jenn bravely surrendering to the process.

Our midwife asked if I wanted to see the baby's crown.

"Sure," I said, not really all that sure.

The midwife angled a mirror between Jenn's legs and aimed a flashlight into her opening.

"I can't see anything."

We waited for another contraction, and the midwife tried again. Jenn dialated  a bit further, and I could see the top of-- 

Wait, what? Is that...? This thing was really happening. My God, I thought, I am really going to be a father. Probably in the next few hours. There is actually a living being inside of Jenn waiting to--

And 1,2,3, just like that, with one last effort, Jenn pushed and Zinnia Rain squirted out like a watermelon seed. One moment Jenn was 4 centimeters dialated, and the next our midwife was lifting up our daughter and handing her to her mother. Zinnia's eyes squeaked open, and she looked dazed and in shock, as if to say, "What the hell just happened?"

Jenn tried to lift Zinnia up to her heart, but the position of the placenta in her womb was high and prevented the cord for reaching all the way to Jenn's chest. Hence in the photo below, taken a minute after birth, Zinnia is resting on the lower belly of the proud mama.

"Here," our midwife said, "do you want to feel the cord? It's still pulsing."

I reached down--it was warm, alive, and throbbing. "Wow," I said, and meant it.

Today is the 15th, and Z. is 11 days old. Jenn is propped up on some pillows, snoring away, and Zinnia is asleep on her bosom.

Life is good.

Zinnia Rain Bender and Happy Mother

 

Born August 4th, 2011, at 1:02 a.m. 

Six pounds, seven ounces.

Nice Parenting Article

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jd-roberto/the-best-parenting-advice_b_897076.html

Countdown

Jenn once shared a dream, how "I was at Starbucks, but rather than order a no-whip frappuccino I ordered a vanilla late' with extra whip, but the barista couldn't seem to get it right and ..."

I kept waiting for something exciting to happen, some twist to make the dream interesting in any way to anyone but the dreamer, but it never happened. I yawned in a sort of exaggerated way and asked Jenn to tell me about her childhood stamp collection and how she was the fifth youngest member of the American Philatelic Society in the state of Oregon.

In other words, unless you're a Jungian therapist, there are very few things less interesting than hearing someone else's dream in detail. Nevertheless, here ya go:

Jenn and I are driving through the inner city of Milwaukee--the black side of town--admiring the gritty grace and realness of the run-down A-frames and tiled roofs.

"Wow," Jenn said, "This is really beautiful."

A door to one of the houses is open, and we enter unbidden. I feel nervous about what the owner might think, but Jenn smiles and walks ahead toward the center of the house. I'm standing in the kitchen. It's old and a little run-down, but clean. I glance down, and half-obscured beneath a drape is one of those baby bouncy-things. A small child--not quite an infant--with caramel skin and big eyes is looking straight ahead. I walk around to see the baby's face and we stare at each other. His/her eyes are big and sentient, and though I wondered where the baby's mother is, there is a sense of peace from the child. When Jenn and I reach the living room, the mother and owner of the house enter from the opposite doorway. I expect her to be alarmed to see us, but she merely looked sad.

We walk through to the other side of the house and peer out through a dilapidated screen door. In that magical way that dreams have, the baby is now out on the driveway with a group of other kids and a medium-sized pit bull. Though I pose no threat to the baby, the dog snaps and snarls at me, and attempts to lunge through the ripped screen door. I block it as best I can, but don't want to hurt the dog or be hurt by him. I merely want him to understand that I intend no harm.

I have no idea what this dream means. The baby symbology is obviously relevant, as is the house--dilapidated but beautiful. And if I substitute "sweet purring kitty" for "scary snarling dog," the pit bull might well represent Honey, our tan-colored love muffin.

On the other hand, maybe I do know what the dream means and am afraid to put it into words. I have said it before: I expect the birth of this child--my daughter--to change/demolish/cream everything I once thought I knew about myself. Not a bad thing, but obviously the ego views obliteration as some sort of threat. When I told Jenn that a friend of mine used this word--"obliterating"--to describe what it was like to become a parent, her very brave and sincere response was: "Sign me up."

Tom's reaction: Gulp!

Today is August 3rd. We are on the cusp of Zinnia Rain's entry onto the planet. Jenn has been having regular contractions/surges/twinges/what-have-you every five minutes throughout most of the day. They don't have the velocity or strength as to how we imagine "major" contractions to be, but more the quality of an orchestra warming up before the grand performance.

Jenn is uncomfortable, but doing well. I feel at peace, ready, and a little out of my body.

Thanks, everybody, for your comments and support.

Yee-haw! Gulp! Yee-gulp!

Birthday Poem fo Zinnia (written by Jenn's good friend, Carrie Heimer)

How to Light Your wish

It's not fat pink candles
on a frosted birthday cake.
It's not like shooting star-blaze
gone before a wish can take.
It's not like flashlights beaming
in the dark of dimming skies.
It's more like what goes flashing
in the center of your eyes.

This wish comes out of patience,
for the waiting makes it dear.
This wish is built on wisdom,
for the insight makes it clear.
This wish is grown with courage,
for the heart to make it strong.
To light this wish takes loving
which will give the wish its song.

To light this wish, you hope it
by believing hidden things.
To light this wish, you joy in
all the blessings this world brings.
To light this wish, your peace must
come in calm amid the storm.
Once lit, this wish will flame inside
and keep your vision warm.

This wish is someone's secret,
someone's deepest dream of heart.
This secret is a masterpiece,
a peerless work of art.
This artwork is your heartbeat, so
your hands, your feet, your new.
This wish, this secret art, is
someone else's best wish: you.

Spare the Rod

7/30/11

Jenn had a contraction at 2:30 a.m. last night, yet another reminder that, for the time being, her body is not her own. Her belly is so distended that it has surpassed all viable comparisons to produce, and she has now entered one of my favorite realms, that of the sports metaphors. Thus, Jenn's belly is now the size of a volleyball. Indeed, if it were to begin to rain here in Albuquerque--something it blessedly did twice earlier in the week--a small child could no doubt take shelter from the storm beneath Jenn's overhanging pregnant shelf.

The old Jenn might have laughed at the above comparison, and she does still laugh, but with less frequency. It has become difficult for her to walk the tightrope between wanting to go into labor and feeling nervous as to what the ordeal will entail. This partially explains why last night was a bit chippy between us. Jenn spent the evening in our bedroom reading "The Red Tent"--which she started and finished--while I edited an older piece of writing in the living room before falling asleep to a semi-interesting Phillip Seymour Hoffman film.  (Brief aside: I highly recommend, "Charlie Wilson's War." Snappy dialogue with Hoffman, Tom Hanks, and Julia Roberts at their best.)

Overall, I admit to enjoying the last few days of non-parenthood; I was able to squeeze in another and unexpected week of work; garnered a few more bike rides; and Tom the Insomniac was able to catch up on a bit more sleep. Additionally, and in seeming (and actual) contradiction to the above. I also found the time to imbibe in my not-so-secret middle of the night pleasure: munching on snacks and watching "30 Rock" reruns on Netflix. When Jenn enters the living room in the morning, she is amused at the telltale carnage--crumpled animal cracker packages, string cheese wrappers, and on the occasions when I'm feeling the need to make healthier choices, an apple core or a crinkly, plastic blueberry container.

This waiting for our lives to be turned on their heads is getting a bit old. Jenn and I have been trying to arrange a few days to be together after the baby is born so we could have some bonding time before the tidal wave of relatives and friends washes against our door. This week, I back-loaded my work schedule on the assumption that Zinnia Rain would be joining us sometime yesterday or today. Jenn's mother, Margaret, was scheduled to arrive tomorrow, but at our request she postponed her arrival until Wednesday. (Update--Now Friday.)

Old joke: How do you make God laugh?
Answer: Tell Him you have plans.

The last few days, Jenn has been struggling emotionally, but has been unable to put things into words. This morning, I emerged from my "meditation room-slash-nursery" only to witness my wife walking across the house like a throbbing, open nerve. I tried to offer her this or that--an ear, a massage, an invitation to try to (wink, wink) induce labor)--but the answer was negatory on all counts. Out of ideas, I decided to imbibe in my usual "Going to Starbucks to Write" ritual. As I stood in the kitchen, I paused to study Jenn through the opening of the shelf overhangs. She was sitting on the couch looking raw and vulnerable and very dear, trying to appear stoic and "not needy," but really, she looked as if she were about to burst into tears. I joined her on the couch and put an arm around her. She curled up into my chest and we sat their in silence.

Jenn gets lonely sometimes, and of late has been missing her friends and family from Oregon. We have received many generous offers from friends here in New Mexico: Offers to babysit, to prepare food, and to spend time and support Jenn and the baby. These offers were made with open and sincere hearts, but I understand people have their own lives, their own kids, their own priorities. I consider any support we receive from family or friends as a bonus--something to accept with gratitude, but not expected. This attitude, no doubt, is a reflection of LBJ--Life Before Jenn. I was alone for years, and aside from semi-frequent bouts of whining about lack of sex and companionship, I had grown to enjoy being attached to nothing and to no one. Even today, on the cusp of parenthood, I have fantasies about becoming a Buddhist monk or joining the Shipibos deep in the Amazon.

Jenn, on the other hand, is used to regular contact with a massive extended family and strong network of friends. She also understands that I will be gone even more as work picks up. We are both about to enter uncharted territory. She will learn to be a new mother and to trust fully in another to provide emotional and financial support; and I will learn what it is to be a father and to have two other beings (plus two cats) depend on me for their sustenance and well-being.

Perhaps this is why Zinnia is hesitating to come into the world. Is she waiting for some sort of signal indicating her papa is ready? Maybe I need to shift into a purer state of love or she senses my anxiety at becoming a new father and interprets it as a lack of unconditional welcome.

Jenn was doing this same pointless head tripping earlier in the week. In the end, of course, it's all egoic projection. Like any strong willed Leo, Z-Rain (our daughter's hip-hop name) will come at the perfect time of her choosing.

But if I learned anything from my mother, it was the tactful art of how to encourage a child to do what you want them to do. So, in the spirit of Zinna's paternal grandmother-to-be, I take a page from the BMB book of parenting: "Young lady, if you don't come out of that womb by tomorrow, you're grounded!"

(Brief update: 8/1/11--One contraction yesterday. Jenn is not in labor as yet, nor has her water broken. Her belly is now the size of an over-inflated volleyball.)

Ditto

Read previous post (7/26/11) and insert today's date.

No contractions as yet, but not for lack of trying. Jenn is doing her best to speed things along. When I got home from work last nigh, she was huffing and puffing from having crammed a garbage container full with brittle pine needles, pine cones, and dead branches from the tree in front of our house. And what did she get for her effort contractions-wise? Bubkis! Nary a contraction.

It's 5:30 a.m., and the thin light of the rising sun approaches. I've been up since 4:00 wondering if today is the day.  Last night, supported by 7-8 pillows in various crevasses around her body, Jenn managed to find a position she could get some sleep. From where I sit a the dining room table, I can hear her ungentle snores and am happy for them.

7/26/11

No contractions, no water breaking, all's quite on the Southwestern front.

The quiet before the storm?

Poem for Zinnia

Please go to the comments section at the bottom of "The Sacred Yes" to read the breathtaking poem, "How to Light Your Wish," by Jenn's good friend, Carrie Heimer.

 Thanks, Carrie. This is the second gem of yours we've been honored to receive.  A peerless work of art indeed : )