On New Mexico and Impending Parenthood: A Brief Conversation with Jenn

Tom:  ... So Jenn, you have left everything you once knew in Oregon to move to the windy, drought-ridden desert where you will soon be giving birth to our new, butternut squash-sized baby girl. How are you liking your new home and what are your thoughts on impending motherhood? (Remember, be completely honest, and don't forget to use a number two pencil.) 

Jenn:  I'll be honest, but I won't use a number two pencil.

Aside from the sinus crusties and the sunburn on my eyeballs, I'm feeling remarkably comfortable here. It doesn't feel quite like Home, yet, however, I found myself gazing up at the Sandias this week, feeling welcomed.  Elizabeth told me that she found that she needed to ask permission to be here to make her transition.  Just to be on the safe side, I did this, even though I've felt like whatever Forces are at work have been inviting me to be here from the beginning. 

My thoughts on impending motherhood...  I'm glad we're doing this here, in NM.  I'm pleased with the support and resources we've found.  Impending motherhood...  I'm a little nervous.  Everyone I've talked to in the Mamma & Babies group has told me I'll feel like I've been hit by a truck for a while, that the birth is the "easy" part. 

Being the oldest of six kids, the physical care of a baby isn't scary to me.  What I think about is how the quality of my being will affect this new life coming into the world, how it's already affecting her now.  I didn't feel her moving much after my last emotional meltdowon and I wondered if she was retreating because of it.  I worry about things like that when I'm looking for something to worry about.  Mostly, I feel excited.  When I sit in the Mamma & Babies group and watch these women interacting with their children, I feel intensely excited to meet OUR daughter.  I wonder what kind of traits she'll have, who she'll look like, what her preferences will be and how we'll discover her personality and get to know her.  I know she's going to be a tremendous gift. 

What are your biggest concerns about your impending fatherhood?

 

Tom:  What about a #2 computer font? Needless to say--but I'll say it anyway--I am pleasantly surprised to see and hear that you are feeling comfortable here. 

I myself am not quite there yet, even though I lived here for nine years. Part of this, no doubt, has to do with the free-floating nature of my employment situation.  Aside from one glorious year of travel and rest, I have been working, going to school or both for most of 22 years. As you have bore witness, the lack of steady income has been trying for me at times, and this has been the most difficult part of impending fatherhood for me. I'm not used to worrying about or even giving much thought to finances. The money has simply always been there. We knew this would be a challenge from the get go, but I had no idea I'd be freaking-out over a packet of Trader Joe chicken sausages or spending 170 bucks on a new (and necessary) printer. It is a side of myself I am trying to simultaneously breathe into, have compassion for, and change, all at the same time.

And this isn't even addressing the fact that we have a little human being on the way that is going to change our lives forever. Our discussion with Dan about the birth of his son cracked me up. One night you can be watching a cheesy movie with your pregnant partner (in his case, "Space Cowboys") and the next moment--wham!--your woman goes into labor and the life you knew is completely obliterated.  I know Celia/Zinnia is coming, I can feel her move in your belly, and yet on some level it still doesn't feel real.

So, my biggest concerns about impending fatherhood (in no particular order) go something like this:

--The health and well being of our daughter and her mother, (i.e you)
 
--Money (already addressed)

--What feels like the probable loss of privacy and personal time.
 
--OH MY GOD!! WE'RE HAVING A KID!!!

--How to maintain a creative, spiritual, and physical life

--The condition of the planet

--NO, REALLY, WE ARE HAVING A FRIGGIN' KID!!!

--How the cats will adjust to the new edition to our family

As far as discovering ol' what's-her-name's personality and preferences, my guess is she'll let us know pretty quick. Just so she's a Packer fan, I'll take no issue with her.

What are the things you look most forward to about motherhood and the things that may be most challenging?
 

Jenn:  Give it up, Tommy!  No #2 anything!

I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised with how comfortable I am here, too.  I do miss the proximity of the ocean (I never realized I could feel it before).  I think the Sandia Mountains are taking it's place for me.  I love looking at them in the evenings especially. 

I know that the nebulous nature of your employment has you at your edge.  I also think that things are still "on schedule".  I think June is going to be the month when you really see movement there. 

I really appreciate your commitment to being a good provider.  I like that Elizabeth referred to you as a "magic money man" and I know without a doubt that this is true.  I am also frequently reminded that this new being emerging into the world through us will also be attracting her own resources.  This is something I've had a sense of from the very beginning.  I've been surprised at how much more easly this transition (to unemployment) has been for me than I initially expected.  Hearing that growing a baby is "enough" right now has helped. Believing this has also helped me to take some of the energy I might've used to fret and refocus focus it on my jewelry business.  In so many ways, for both of us, it feels like this is a time of incubation.  When I tap into this knowing, I feel elated. 

The things I am most looking forward to:

--Holding our daughter

--Watching you hold our daughter

--Growing into my role as a mother

--Getting to know who she is

The things I think will be the most challenging:

--The initial recovery period after birth

--Staying connected to you from  inside the "mom/baby bubble" I'm told I'll be in

--Letting go of needing to do any of this "right"

--Loss of personal time or the time I spend making jewelry and growing my business.  While I feel this, my sense is that I'll be strapping her onto me in some kind of wrap and doing what I would be doing anyway.  I think this feels different to me because she's already hanging out with me all the time and having my attention (like right now, she's kicking hard enough to bump the computer on my lap). 

--OH, MY GOD!  WE'RE HAVING A KID!

--Maintaining some grace in the face of unsolicited advice and not wreaking too much havoc on certain familial relationships as my "good girl" filter disintegrates. 

--Setting healthy boundaries.

I could really go on for quite a while about what challenges I can imagine or anticipate and then drive myself batty with how I ought to prepare for these things.  I'd rather bask in the glow of how I'm going to feel when I see you hold her for the first time, how melting with love we'll both feel.  I'm sure we'll be exhausted and sleep-deprived and worn out as well (like everyone else).  But what's the point of dwelling on that? 

Remember when you were asking me about the happiest moments of my life?  It was a real revelation for me to realize that these moments were not the ones in which I was the most comfortable. 

I have this idea that she might come a little early (in spite of what Margy the midwife said).  Do you think you'd be prepared to catch her on your own?

Tom:  Catch who, again? Just kidding. I have my mitt oiled up and ready to cradle our little seahorse right out of the shoot, if necessary ... But I still hope the midwives are on hand.